Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
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I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
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Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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