by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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