so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
