How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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