My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You ruined the universe
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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