I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
