I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
