I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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