I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
