WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
