so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
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My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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