Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I love how my cats smell like pot.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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