If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
