My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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