I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
