all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
