You can't special order awesome
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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