You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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