ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
