we have pet lesbian snakes
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you didnt know i had herpes?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
