um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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