I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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