Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
