There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
