I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
