mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
