At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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