u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
