"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
