anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
