Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So vagazzling was a success
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
