I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
