This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
