I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
