he puts the penis in happiness.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
