she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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