dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
