The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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