Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
