I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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