Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
