I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize