A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dating After Heartbreak
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You are a genius and a whore.