oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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