he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
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She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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