dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
