But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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