I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
