I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
