I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
