I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
