if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
